Lately I been feeling like a rebound which has been causing me to bury my emotions, hide my feelings, swallow my words and to silently cry in the dark when I lay my head down at night. My dad never understood why I do it, really no one would understand. Only those who deal with their pain silently. When someone asks me what’s wrong I say nothing I’m fine and I deal with it myself and keep it moving. Wiping tears from my eyes, holding back pain in my eyes. I carried so much pain around and I think I do still till this day. You know how turtles have a hard shell and they hide in it when they feel like they’re in danger? That’s what I feel like I did growing up. What I mean is I feared confrontation. I feared standing up for myself (I still do). I got bullied to the point I never talked in class. I knew answers in class but never said anything, kept my head down and tried to make it through the day without being noticed. Just like how turtles try to get on the other side of the road. Trying not to get ran over by a car, using their shell to protect them. That was me growing up. I hid in my shell and protected myself from any danger. It’s all coming out toxic now that i’m identifying my problems .
Every since I was younger in elementary and middle school I felt like I got picked last at EVERYTHING. Gym class no one picked me they just picked on me because I wasn’t able to keep up with exercises. We had an opportunity to pick our own class partners for projects. No one picked me, the teacher paired me with students who got picked over as well. It’s crazy how cruel human beings can be. When it came to having friendships I didn’t have very many. My weaknesses was my kindness and good heart. People were only my friend only because I was nice and did things for them I couldn’t do for myself. They saw an opportunity to take advantage of me and I allowed it just trying to fit in. When it came to relationships guys see my weight and eczema and pick the other pretty girl. With clear skin, big butt, long hair, white teeth, and a coca cola body. There are family members who never gave me chance to be apart of their life or tried to get to know me. It seems like they judged me on the outside and never gave me a chance to show them what’s on the inside. It made me wish I came around more when I was younger.
I have a cousin that is a year younger than me and growing up I looked up to her as my role model. She had everything together. She was loyal, gorgeous and content with who she was. Things I didn’t allow myself to learn. Of course she doesn’t know that. One day we were hanging out smoking and she looked at me said, “Tay, I never knew how coo you was.” I wanted to say how I really felt but I just laughed and said “ Yeah nobody ever takes the time to get to know me.”
One thing I’ve noticed about myself is how much I love and how much I want to be loved by people. How bad I want to be accepted. I felt like I was hated growing up. By so many people and family members even. It made me do horrible things to myself. I feel like now that I’m older I am looking back at all the bad decisions I’ve made and can see how I’ve damaged my self physically and mentally. But all those bad decisions have made me make a lot of changes within myself.
For so many years I feel like I been trying to fix myself by trying to have a relationship or a friendship. Forcing myself to be in a relationship to prove something to myself. Prove to myself im worth it, prove to myself that I can make better choices. I allowed myself to try to be with every guy that said I was beautiful. I tried to be friends with every girl that complimented me on my hair. Each time I got my heart broken. And still I put my own self in this vicious cycle.
All these things I still be feeling causes me to sink into depression. I sit stuck sometimes wondering if I’m going to make it in life, am I worth being here. I told myself I didn’t deserve to be here. At some point in my earlier life I looked at a bottle of pills and told myself, “ Nobody would miss me”. I tried running away with a guy that was four years older than me. Which just caused more problems. In all honesty I had nobody to talk to, nobody to call on when I was hurting, nobody to give me advice or just be there in comfort. All this made me lose self-esteem and confidence. The pain that I felt made me feel hopeless. Back to laying in bed at night asking myself why and I feel so selfless?
Today I’m hopping off AND I’M DONE feeling worthless, pitiful, hopeless, depressed, having self hatred, walking around with no confidence. I am no longer allowing myself to be anyone’s crash dummy. I no longer accept the bullying, trash talk, the fear of confrontation taking over me, being belittled by guys because I don’t fit their expectations! Or anyone’s expectations. I will no longer allow people to trample over me. I am a woman who deserves to be happy. So I stopped trying to find love in other people to better myself and I started loving my own self and accepting who I was. Embracing all my flaws and defects. I use to feel like I need someone else’s company to enjoy life. I felt like I needed to be friends with pretty girls to boost my self confidence. But really I enjoy my own company. I AM THAT PRETTY GIRL! I been inspired to be more emotional intelligent, mindful and to not allow my thoughts and emotions to overcome me. I’m fighting back like I should have years ago. And it feels so damn good to take that power back. I embarked on a self love journey and on it I gained so much knowledge about myself and what makes me happy. I’m smiling more and laughing louder.
My advice to any young girl or woman out there reading this is First Love Yourself. Everyone Else Comes Next.
Thank You, Next.